Someone asked me what Roan does all day and I had to think about it for a minute.  He never had his own schedule really, he had Lula's schedule which we slotted him in to.  Now that I have no job prospects and no Lula, Roan and I are awash in unstructured time.

My first inclination is to overschedule the shit out of everything.  This was my temperament even before Lula. As a shoot producer I love the OCDness of the hyper timed, meticulously organized day.  In some ways Lula's needs made the most of my producing skills.  Now, however I am bereft of stuff to fill my day with.  I am trying to keep it this way on purpose.  I find that I can become overwhelmed very quickly, with emotions, thoughts, ideas, and it sneaks up on me most when I behave as though I am still the person I was before. I am trying to give myself so much time that quiet contemplation is inevitable.  As my mom once told me "doing stuff and having a life are not the same thing" (see mom, I do listen!)

All that said, I did think some classes were in order so my friend and neighbor Eva and I signed our boys up for music classes. We went to a demo class and it was in the old building that Extreme Kids was in.  It was hard because the last time we were there was for a music class that Kia and I took Roan and Lula to. I remember the AC was broken and it was sweltering and we had to drape Lu in cool cloths. Music was always something that we really believed was great for her because we knew she could hear and there is no wrong way to listen to music. I started welling up in class, as has been my habit several times a day, with a sort of nebulous pining.  It never lasts but it never really goes away either.

The classes aren't all that amazing - growing up I was lucky enough to take music classes with one of my mom's best friends Delores who is phenomenal, so I was expecting something a little more special - but it's a great introduction to so many things he's never done before; sitting in a circle (he kept wandering off to the stroller parking to try to swipe other kids snacks), paying attention to a teacher, playing different bells and drums, repeating sound patterns etc. Here are Roan and Isaac during the "free dance" part:

New memories are always bittersweet because we make them without her.