So now the pain begins. It comes in sudden, urgent pulses. It is akin, I would imagine, to heroin withdrawl, a tugging in the veins that takes your breath away.
I find myself fixated with the things that I use in my house. When I started using the bottle of bottle of shampoo in my bathroom Lula was alive. The hands I used to wash my hair I used to hold my baby. When I use up this bottle of shampoo somehow I will be losing a tenuous connection between the time that Lula was alive and the time now that she is gone. Everything that existed when she was here is a thread to her that I am scared to sever. I am scared to use up the mustard. I held the box of baby oatmeal to my forehead for minutes, thinking of her daily ritual of feeding therapy with oatmeal and cinnamon. I am trying to let go of all of the reminders around the house because they ricochet like a slingshot whenever I touch them.
One of my closest friends passed away suddenly several years ago. At the time I remember wondering how her mom would ever survive it. Her mom sent me a letter this week that, among many wrenching insights, said this:
I find myself fixated with the things that I use in my house. When I started using the bottle of bottle of shampoo in my bathroom Lula was alive. The hands I used to wash my hair I used to hold my baby. When I use up this bottle of shampoo somehow I will be losing a tenuous connection between the time that Lula was alive and the time now that she is gone. Everything that existed when she was here is a thread to her that I am scared to sever. I am scared to use up the mustard. I held the box of baby oatmeal to my forehead for minutes, thinking of her daily ritual of feeding therapy with oatmeal and cinnamon. I am trying to let go of all of the reminders around the house because they ricochet like a slingshot whenever I touch them.
One of my closest friends passed away suddenly several years ago. At the time I remember wondering how her mom would ever survive it. Her mom sent me a letter this week that, among many wrenching insights, said this:
"When the life we wanted gets ripped away from us we have to come to terms with the irrefutable fact that everything we love is impermanent."
I am trying my hardest not to anchor my memory of her in things because their permanence is exactly what separates them from her essential spirit. I am trying.
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| Half eaten lollipop from Lula's feeding therapy. For now it stays. |